EMS Humor Page
- Science Theories
- How to Interpret a Research Report
- New Scientific Units
- The Heaviest Element Known to Science
- Organic Chemistry Quiz
- Latest Pharmaceuticals
- Quote
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Science Theories
A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject. Below
are the winners:
Place Subject Theory
4th Runner-up Probability Theory If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
3rd Runner-up Bio-Mechanics Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.
2nd Runner-up Symbolic Logic Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.
1st Runner-up Newtonian Mechanics The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
Honorable Mention Linguistics The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.
Grand Prize Winner Perpetual Motion When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast-cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
How to Interpret a Research Report
from the Random News
What it says... ...What it means
This appears to be an unexplored area... I've been so busy writing that I have had no time to look into the matter.It has long been known that... I haven't bothered to look up the original references.
...of great theoretical and practical importance... Interesting to me.
While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions... The study didn't work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it.
This study seeks to synthesize previous work in this field... I was too lazy to do any original work.
Some of the observations were clearly atypical and were omitted from the study... To include these would ruin the findings.
It is evident from the table... My conclusion is not contradicted by the table.
Although some detail has been lost in reproduction, it is clear from the original chart that... It is impossible to tell from the chart.
It might be argued that... I have such a good answer to this objection that I shall now raise it.
Correct within an order of magnitude... Wrong.
Limitations of time and resources prevent me... I'd better stop here before I get all confused.
Thanks are due to Mary Glotz for assistance with the analysis and John Doe for valuable discussions... Glotz did all the work and Doe explained to me what it meant.
New Scientific Units
- Definition
- Unit
- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter
- Eskimo pi
- 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital
- 1 i.v. league
- 2000 pounds of Chinese soup
- Won ton
- 1 millionth mouthwash
- 1 microscope
- Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier
- Mach turtle
- Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour
- Knot-furlong
- 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling
- 1 lite year
- 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone
- 1 Rod Serling
- 1/2 large intestine
- 1 semicolon
- 1,000,000 aches
- 1 megahertz
- Weight an evangelist carries with God
- 1 billigram
- Basic unit of laryngitis
- 1 hoarsepower
- Shortest distance between two jokes
- A straight line
- Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement
- Ananosecond
- 1/2 bath
- 1 demijohn
- 453.6 graham crackers
- 1 pound cake
- Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step", the first step of a one-mile journey
- 1 Milwaukee
- 1 trillion microphones
- 1 megaphone
- 500,000 bicycles
- 1 megacycle
- 365.25 days
- 1 unicycle
- 500 millionaires
- 1 seminary
- 2000 mockingbirds
- Two kilomockingbirds
- 10 cards
- 1 decacards
- 1 kilogram of falling figs
- 1 fig Newton
- 1000 grams of wet socks
- 1 liter hosen
- 1 millionth of a fish
- 1 microfiche
- 1 trillion pins
- 1 terrapin
- 1 million billion piccolos
- 1 gigolo
- 10 rations
- 1 decoration
- 100 rations
- 1 C-ration
- face that launched one ship
- milliHellen
The Heaviest Element Known to Science
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered.
The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally occur in less than 1 second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years. At this time it doesn't actually decay but instead undergoes reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increased after each reorganization.
Researchers at other laboratories indicated that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as universities, government agencies, large corporations, and schools. The element can be found in the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results are not promising.
Organic Chemistry Quiz
| N a m e T h e s e S u b s t a n c e s ! | ||
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To see the correct name for a chemical structure, move your mouse pointer over the drawing.
Latest Pharmaceuticals
- Drug
- Indication
- Damitol
- Take two and the rest of the world can drop dead for up to eight hours
- St. MomsWort
- Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours
- EmptyNestrogen
- Highly effective pill that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out
- Peptobimbo
- Liquid silicone for single women; two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting
- Dumerol
- When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music
- Flipitor
- Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to gesture to other drivers
- Menicillin
- Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
- Buyagra
- Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree
- Extra Strength Buy-One-all
- When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura
- JackAsspirin
- Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number
- Anti-talksident
- A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers
- Sexcedrin
- More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome
- Ragamet
- When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself
- Antiboyotics
- When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up
Quote
We trained hard - but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we were reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and what a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while actually producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.
-- Petronius Arbiter, 210 B.C.
